the erosion of my american dream

the longer i live the more i become aware of an ugliness within me.  i can’t really talk about it.  i get odd looks and off-putting comments.  i’ve broached the subject with peers i thought would concur, but even they respond as though i am a carrier of some contagious and foul-smelling disease.

my problem is that i am losing interest in what the media defines as the “american dream” (even here, i hesitate to describe my feelings for fear of coming off as some kind of spiritual snob).   we all cherish the nice house/white picket fence/plenty of disposable income ideal.  everyone hopes for a comfortable retirement.  and there’s nothing sinister or sinful about that (i might mention that i live in a beautiful home in a desirable neighborhood).  the aforementioned ugliness rises up when i consider my motivation for ministry.  i can’t help but wonder if i nurture some deep, soul-level scheme to use ministry as a means to my own ambitious end.   “we want our church to grow,” i cry (with passion and sincerity, i might add), “because jesus needs someone to represent him to a lost and dying culture.”  but the fact is, i look good when our church grows (to say nothing of my income).  when our building is full i strut into district meetings, eagerly anticipating the inevitable inquiry, “how’s yer church doin’?”  on the other hand, when the numbers are falling faster than bush’s approval rating (as they have been lately), i slink furtively into district meetings if i go at all (did i mention that the probability of getting the “how’s yer church doin’?” question is a dead-lock cinch?).  the sum of these truths motivates me to examine my motives.  am i in the ministry for what i can give, or for what i can get?

i know a lot of “successful” ministers.  some have impressive salary packages and enviable perks (from cars to country club memberships).  god bless ’em.  they obviously don’t struggle with the same issues i struggle with.  i know me, though.  i am prone to self-deception.  i believe people when they tell me how wonderful i am.  when my elders tell me i deserve a raise, i see them as sage advisers possessing rare wisdom and insight.  yet something frightful happens (in my cadio-pulmonary system) when i stumble across 1 corinthians 5 (i try to avoid it whenever i can).  paul condemns the greedy and the immoral in the same breath.  “you must not associate with him,” paul declares, “expel the wicked man from among you.”  i am not suggesting that all preachers that make a lot of money are guilty of avarice…i’m just saying that i still struggle with the spiritual blight of materialism.  i’ve not yet learned “the secret of being content in every situation, whether well-fed or hungry.” 

 i swear i’m not preaching, i’m trying to be transparent.  i do find that i am becoming less and less enamored with “stuff.”  i am aware of the lord’s work in my life, and i am so grateful for his grace.  i am learning that god is much more interested in probity than profit (probity was my dictionary.com “word of the day”–i just had to bust it out).  for me, it boils down to devotion, and the lord is helping me weed out distractions and sharpen my focus.

it’s a pretty expensive lesson, but somehow i think it pays rich dividends.