vacation anxiety

i am astounded by my capacity for pride (and i’m equally astounded by my willingness to share it with you!). 

my vacation begins next monday and i’m anxious about it.  i am literally going to cost myself some joy because i will worry about how things are going at the church.  if you ask, i will say, “no, it’s fine.  everything will be great”  but i will be lying.  i will check my email and keep my phone close at hand.  at ten o’clock on sunday morning i will wonder how things are going.  and at ten-oh-five.  and at ten-oh-fifteen.

i disgust me. 

i’m pretty sure that if i died in a flaming car wreck the church would meet the next.  and the week after.  what is it in me that makes me think my presence is indispensable?  why do i secretly believe the church can’t go a week without my leadership?  it’s not that i think no one on my leadership team is capable of making a decision–they can and i know they can.  it’s a weakness within me, pure and simple.

it’s pride.

the niv study notes on philippians 4:13 describe the word anxious as “self-centered, counterproductive worry, not legitimate cares and concerns for the spread of the gospel.”  ouch.  i don’t want that to be me, so i’m going to do all i know to do: 1.) i’m going to submit my problem to my accountability partners and ask them to help me work through it, and 2.) i’m going to resolve to grow–to become more christ-centered and less me-centered.

and i’m going to enjoy my vacation.


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