my vacation begins next monday and i’m anxious about it. i am literally going to cost myself some joy because i will worry about how things are going at the church. if you ask, i will say, “no, it’s fine. everything will be great” but i will be lying. i will check my email and keep my phone close at hand. at ten o’clock on sunday morning i will wonder how things are going. and at ten-oh-five. and at ten-oh-fifteen.
i disgust me.
i’m pretty sure that if i died in a flaming car wreck the church would meet the next. and the week after. what is it in me that makes me think my presence is indispensable? why do i secretly believe the church can’t go a week without my leadership? it’s not that i think no one on my leadership team is capable of making a decision–they can and i know they can. it’s a weakness within me, pure and simple.
the niv study notes on philippians 4:13 describe the word anxious as “self-centered, counterproductive worry, not legitimate cares and concerns for the spread of the gospel.” ouch. i don’t want that to be me, so i’m going to do all i know to do: 1.) i’m going to submit my problem to my accountability partners and ask them to help me work through it, and 2.) i’m going to resolve to grow–to become more christ-centered and less me-centered.
and i’m going to enjoy my vacation.